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Garbage and Recycling in
Westchase
By
W. Chase
Editor's note: The following is an excerpt
from the column of Ask W. Chase, a column that used to run monthly in the World of
Westchase. Highly satirical and taking a light look at Westchase,
the column answered questions about life in the community
and Tampa Bay. While the humor may appear startling to those unfamiliar
with the column, the information it contains is still acccurate.
Could you explain how garbage works in Westchase? Your W first
thought WOW Publisher Victoria (the namesake of my favorite
monarch) Tully, who submitted this fine interogative, was asking me to
describe the inner workings of Westchase government, which I have
thoroughly covered to great acclaim in recent months. Then I realized
she was looking for efficient and eco-friendly methods of disposing with
the results of her husband’s culinary experimentation.
 Allow your W to
elucidate the salient issues of sanitation. Throughout the realm,
standard garbage pickup occurs on Mondays and Thursdays with recycling
and yard waste picked up on Mondays. Containers should be placed
curbside no later than 6 a.m. of collection day but may not be placed
there before 6 p.m. of the previous night. Garbage should be placed at
the curbside in containers with lids to prevent the raccoons from
redecorating the landscape ahead of the CDD. You are permitted up to
three 35 gallon containers of household garbage and up to twelve 30
gallon containers of yard waste per week. Lest you believe you receive
such fine service for free, your W humbly informs you that you pay for
these services on your County property tax bill which arrives each
November.
Yard waste is defined as grass clippings, leaves
and tree and shrub trimmings. (These must be separated from other
garbage so they may be transformed into mulch and other by-products.)
Yard waste other than grass clippings and leaves may also be boxed,
bundled or neatly stacked in uniform lengths not exceeding 50 pounds,
nor should pieces be more than four feet in length and six inches in
diameter. (This, of course, rules out the disposal of the Florida
governor.) Yard waste can also be taken to the Northwest County Facility
on 8001 W. Linebaugh Avenue. You may also bring scrap metal, tires,
used motor oil, lead acid batteries and recyclable curbside items to
this location. One may also purchase mulch and what the County calls
“soil amendments” at this facility. (Your W attempted to learn what
exactly constituted a soil amendment but despite my careful perusal of
the US Constitution, I am left bereft of appropriate information. As it
concerns dirt, however, it certainly does not apply to Westchasers.)
Such items as furniture, appliances, motor
vehicles or their parts, construction materials and insufferable
children, however, will not be collected. Such items should also be
taken to the Northwest County facility, although residents may also hire
their collector (a private contractor with the County) to perform a
special collection. This will be done within five days of calling
Hillsborough County Solid Waste Management at 272-5680, but residents
will be charged for this additional service.
Further, chemicals such as paint, solvents,
cleaners, rechargeable batteries, automotive products, pool chemicals,
lawn and garden supplies and toxic substances such as my editor’s
musings should be taken to Town ‘N Country. You should not, however,
dump these materials carelessly on the town square (which, one might
assume for this community,
is the Wal-Mart parking lot.) These items must instead be taken to the
collection site at 9805 Sheldon Road. Yet even these poor souls draw
the line at explosives, flares, radioactive material, bio-medical
material and syringes. It is assumed, given the common discovery of the
last item, one should feel free simply to dump these items directly into
the bay. To save this trip, however, I commonly package my radioactive
waste in boxes labeled “Toys” and drop them among the tattered cartons I
find stacked behind the moving vans that frequent our scintillating
community. (I suspect this explains the plethora of disturbing hair
colors and styles among our surly teens.)
Recycling requires a brief review of geometry,
trigonometric vectors and Arabic numerals. In short, one should direct
their hired help to place paper and cardboard in one of the two bins
provided by the County. The second bin should contain containers made
of glass or plastic or metal.
In the paper bin, one may place newspapers and
corrugated cardboard, which should be cut up into pieces smaller than
three feet in length. Pizza boxes, cereal boxes, and other cardboard
covered with the glossy sheen of cereal boxes may not be recycled and
should be placed with regular garbage.
 Recycled
containers should be rinsed and the tops disposed of with regular
garbage. When disposing of plastic items, Westchasers should closely
examine the triangle of arrows on their bottoms (Of the containers, you
foolish miscreants!). You may only recycle plastic containers with the
numbers one and two within the triangle. Higher numbered plastic
containers should be placed in the regular collection. It is not
advisable, however, to draw a triangle and the number one or two on
one’s spouse in an effort to rid oneself of them. Although the
gentleman who does the recycling can be most surly (I suspect because he
has to both drive and toss the items rather than simply drive and
consume doughnuts.), he is not to be taken for an idiot.
But I have groveled and fawned
before my publisher long enough, I say. I do not have the constitution
for such plebian matters. So I shall bid you farewell and return to
frolicking about the May pole.
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